Clipping

Good Morning, is that Mark Smith?

Was last time I checked! It wouldn’t have mattered what I had said, she was off on a mission

My friend Deedree said you would be able to help me

Mmmm names have never been my strong point.
Seizing on the invitation to deviate even further from anything remotely relevent she launches away

Deedree, you must remember Deedree … The one with the bay warmblood

Well that narrows it down a bit. Not the grey thoroughbred, I tease

Well she did have a grey thoroughbred before that. No, come to think of it that was Jane who had the grey thoroughbred, I didn’t realise you knew her as well.

I probably don’t, unless she used to be called Flossie at Pony Club

I didn’t know her in those days

Oblivious to anything vaguely ironic

Anyway, Deedrees pony was very naughty and you sorted him out

Madam, I suspect he was not naughty but just confused, like me

Well, mine isn’t confused … He’s crazy!

I had heard that, gone like their owners

Absolutely barmy … Beyond all reason!

Beyond all HUMAN reason, I suspect
And of course he was just like this when you purchased him … When you went to try him out.

No, no, no. If he had been anything other than a saint I would never have dreamt of purchasing him. I went back four times, to make sure he wasn’t doped.

So human logic would suggest that something you have done has turned him into a crazy horse.

No. It’s nothing I have done. I love him to bits … I would never drive him crazy

You are succeeding with me

No, it wasn’t anything what I have done. It was Alice.

What exactly did Alice do? And who on earth is Alice?

Alice is the girl on my yard who clips all of the horses that might not stand like statues.

And what exactly does Alice do for a living?

She is a hairdresser … But she used to work with horses.

Madam, The reason Alice no longer works with horses is because she is no good at it and secondly if I have a problem with my car I take it to a professional mechanic … I do not take it to a professional hairdresser.

Well, it really wasn’t her fault. He just exploded the moment she turned the clippers on.

So we have finally got to the fact that you can’t clip the pony. Hooray.

Alice said she had never seen anything like it

Well not in the hairdressing salon anyway.

What do you mean?

Anyway, is Alice out of A and E yet?

How do you know she went to A and E?

Call it intuition

It was Donald who broke her foot

Donald?

He was holding the horse’s foot up, and when it went ballistic. He jumped out of the way and trod on Alice’s foot … She should be out of plaster by the end of the month. 

Let me guess, there were five of you in the stable at the time. None of you, in particular the hairdresser, had steel toe-capped boots on? Donald was there to hold the foot up. Someone else to hold the twitch . Alice to clip. Someone else as a lookout in case of danger and you to hold the whole thing together and coordinate the evacuation.

Someone else has already rung you

And the moment you turned on the clippers he exploded

It’s almost like you were there.

I hear the entire story very regularly

But why did he do it? Nobody was going to hurt him.

That it not what he thought.

What do you mean?

There were five of you in his box. How often are there five of you in there with him

Well probably never

So immediately he knows something is afoot
And then he notices that all five of you are pumping adrenalin. You are all concerned about what you are doing.

Well yes, I suppose so

In the wild if one of the herd is frightened and gives off adrenalin, the whole herd picks up on the adrenalin, and runs for their life. They don’t have to have seen the danger, or know what they are running from. They panic and run.

But at this stage the clippers weren’t even on

Exactly. At this stage he was actually aware that something was frightening ALL five of you. He was wondering exactly what it could be because he had always felt safe and secure in this loose box and you in particular had never pumped adrenalin like this whilst being in there with him. It NEVER occured to him for one second that it was HIM that was the cause of your fear.

I hadn’t thought of it like that

And then of course, when the clippers were turned on, it all became crystal clear to him … It was the clippers that you were all terrified of and if they were bad enough to frighten ALL five of you then he was OFF!!
Ooops, sorry Donald, didn’t notice you there, oh dear what is Alice shouting about, they are going down like dominoes and Mum is screeching her head off … She is terrified of them as well!!! Thank God I didn’t let anyone get close to me with them.

But you tell it just like it happened …?

I have been clipping the impossible horses for forty years … There is a pattern.